cal's monster offensive line

4,721,575 Views | 17581 Replies | Last: 14 hrs ago by Shocky1
Jeff82
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Thunderball-Claudine Auger

Live & Let Die-Jane Seymour

The Spy Who Loved Me-Barbara Bach
Shocky1
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2027 high school recruiting update:

wut up dajohn??

with the powers vested in the shockster by the maricopa county supreme court, the monster is breaking down ur collegiate choices as follows:

https://instagr.am/p/DXYP9Wrj3Xy
mississippi state: a full day travel for the fam to attend ur games in straight up racist starkville but a great opportunity to learn more about the klu klux klan!!

washington: depressing drizzly azz year round weather with almost no sunshine, ask our fellow zony bears rb1 adam momhammed why he gave up a starting job in seattle to warm up in berkeley, got it??...to authenticate the northwest living experience, go to the cheesecake factory at chandler fashion square & ask if u can sit in one of the walk in freezers with ur warmest jacket for 24 hours, that's ******* cold, brhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

florida state: just low key racist but straight up the hottest with decimating humidity may thru october to the point it's hard to even walk outside with ur shirt getting drenched, nasty as **** weather plus legit 3 inch blood sucking insects with bulging eyes

rutgers: kinda like this option being near fabulous new york city but very time consuming & expensive for the fam to travel back east...would 100% take the FREE official visit & tell the staff u wanna dine at cipriani & get tixs for madison on broadway too

cal: the staff truly love you dajohn & ur angry violent style of play on the offensive line with ur grown azz man 6'5" 340 lbs frame, ur projected for early playing time with cal's monster offensive line!!...simple 2 hour non stop southwest flights from sky harbor to oakland on the mornings of fall gamedays for the fam plus a FREE bag of peanuts!!


the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the WORLD (and the best choice for building GENERATIONAL WEALTH thru nfl development/early playing time and hard work in the classrooms of berkeley)
Shocky1
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2026 joe's stone crab south beach tournament: max homa update

max, GREAT NEWS, ur cal's monster class official TIME OUT is now being lifted so u can compete on a sponsor's exemption this week in miami along with the very well behaved collin & michael (they r both good boys like shocky!!), no need for u to stand in the corner anymore facing the wall of shame, ok??

it's clear u really don't know how **** works in the real world so the monster is gonna break it down for u, got it??

level 1 infraction: throwing/helicoptering a golf club

level 2 infraction: breaking the head of ur driver & destroying club property at augusta national

level 3 infraction: showing up at the master's awards ceremony ****faced!!

homa, in case u haven't figured it out yet & if ur bad petulant behavior persists ur gonna be banned from every jewelry store in north scottsdale like taylor

https://instagr.am/p/CxRVdYQPFNO
max, this is proper golf etiquette decorum, notice how gabi waves at everybody and even when she rinses a couple of balls into the lake on the par 4 18th hole at the rock she don't lose her ****, got it??

https://instagr.am/p/DFbTKh6ON6N
this is cal golf (sigh)#

Shocky1
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cal golf putting celebrations:

https://instagr.am/p/DXsm8jbDKpR
^ bears who play collegiate tournaments in five and a half hour rounds!!

https://instagr.am/p/DSS2jiuCUk1
^ a bear who finishes the world top 100 list in st lucia in a sub three hour round (which leaves more time for beach dining)!!

https://instagr.am/p/DEXv4P6zyPz


r u on the clock (in an escher town)??#
Shocky1
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california golden bears yucky blucky fruitcake classes (mr spieker not amused cuz he got worser seats):

doechii, why don't you introduce the yucky blucky fruitcakes to the class?

2027 class:

jaxsen stokes, running back (3.7 gpa)
miles isaac schirmer, defensive lineman (3.5 gpa)
antwon "aj" sanders iii, running back (3.0+ gpa)
charles "spida" davis iii, wideout (3.0+ gpa)
myles baker, safety (3.7 gpa)
troy bowens, edge defender (3.5 gpa)
blake gunter, wide receiver (4.0 gpa)
zach brien, kicker (3.8 gpa)
gunnar perry, linebacker (3.7 gpa)
giovanni hodge, edge defender (4.0 gpa)

2026 class:

david bird, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
jacob johnson, punter (3.1 gpa)
sosaia noa, tight end (3.0+ gpa)
roger vaderhoef, offensive lineman (3.5 gpa)

rico walker, tight end (3.1 gpa)
aj tuitele, linebacker (3.0 gpa)
joshua pierce, edge defender (3.5 gpa)
jayden williams, defensive line (3.1 gpa)
kamar mothudi, inside linebacker (3.3 gpa)
ricky "trenches" fletcher, defensive back (3.3 gpa)
jericho johnson, defensive tackle (3.0+ gpa)
emmanuel okoye, edge defender (strong student from nigeria)
jackson brosseau, quarterback (3.96 gpa)
angus davies, punter (honor roll student from australia)
daniel harris, cornerback (3.1 gpa)
ashton rivera, offensive lineman (3.7 gpa)
kahlee tafai, offensive lineman (3.15 gpa)
ashun shepphard, defensive line (3.0+ gpa)
cooper perry, wide receiver (4.1 gpa)
towns mcgough, kicker (4.0 gpa)
marquis "mgk" groves-killebrew (3.3 gpa)
justin beadles, defensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
tristan jernigan, inside linebacker (3.0+ gpa)
jimothy lewis jr, offensive tackle (3.4 gpa)
michael hurst jr, safety (3.0+ gpa)
chase hendricks, wide receiver (3.21 gpa)
mykeal rabess, offensive lineman (3.68 gpa)
carter vargas, running back (3.2 gpa)
ashten emory, running back (3.7 gpa)
dorian thomas, tight end (3.6 gpa)
adam mohammed, running back (3.5 gpa)
kingston lopa, defensive back (3.0 gpa)
ian strong, wide receiver (3.75 gpa)
jacob arop, offensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
solomon williams, edge defender (3.0+ gpa)

niles davis, athlete (3.71 gpa)
daniel mcmorris, offensive tackle (3.8 gpa)
kai meza, wide receiver (3.6 gpa)
tyree "reekus" sams, wide receiver (3.3 gpa)
kamo'i huihui-white, offensive lineman (3.9 gpa)
nainoa lopes, quarterback (3.57 gpa)
kingston "lucky" schirmer, defensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
esaiah wong, offensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
frank fauna jr, defensive lineman (4.0 gpa)
emmanuel "ej" morgan, wide receiver/kick returner (4.3 gpa)
taimane purcell, tight end (3.9 gpa)
nemyah telona, defensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
victor santino, running back (3.0+ gpa)
elisha faamatuainu, offensive lineman (3.0+ gpa)
jaxon pyatt, linebacker (3.4 gpa)
jonathan mckinley, linebacker (4.83 gpa)

2025 class (all former walk ons are now on schollys, CONGRATS!!):

aaron hampton, inside linebacker (3.4 gpa)
jordan king, wide receiver (4.38 gpa)
alonzo esparza, quarterback (4.0 gpa)
belay brummell, quarterback (3.95 gpa)
carson perry-smith, wide receiver (4.1 gpa)
jayden parker, running back (4.16 gpa)
isaac torres, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
mayze bryant, defensive back (3.5 gpa)
jordan franke, longsnapper (3.81 gpa)
dean taylor-chapman, running back (4.0 gpa)
tobey weydemuller, defensive back (3.92 gpa)
jude mclellan, outside linebacker (3.9 gpa)
nate escalada, defensive back (4.23 gpa)
michael cooley, outside linebacker (3.0 gpa)
ewan arechaederra, longsnapper (3.6 gpa)
lucas vanderlind, inside linebacker (4.2 gpa)
bj jones, inside linebacker (3.55 gpa)
sam bjerke, offensive lineman (3.9 gpa)
cole bosica, wide receiver (4.1 gpa)
myles reber, wide receiver (3.75 gpa)
jeffrey johnson, tight end (3.7 gpa)
jack olyphant, tight end (3.72 gpa)
rj stephens, defensive lineman (3.77 gpa)
dru polidore jr, safety (3.75 gpa)
michael kern, punter (3.4 gpa)

landon morris, tight end (3.7 gpa)
jayden dixon-veal, wide receiver (2.9 gpa)
lj johnson, running back (3.7 gpa)
abram murray, kicker (4.0 gpa)
brent "paco" austin, corner/nickel (3.3 gpa)
jordan sanford, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
harrison taggart, linebacker (3.9 gpa)
chase meyer, kicker (4.3 gpa)
mark hamper, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
zae smith, defensive tackle (3.37 gpa)
daveion harley, offensive lineman (3.36 gpa)
kendrick raphael, running back (3.8 gpa)
quimari shemwell, corner/nickel back (3.0+ gpa)
brandon high jr, running back (3.3 gpa)
rino monteforte, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
tj bush, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
quaron adams, wide receiver (3.0 gpa)
chris victor, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
jojo genova, offensive lineman (3.5 gpa)
erik peters, kicker (3.9 gpa)
devin brown, quarterback (4.4 gpa)
dazmin james, wide receiver (2.6 gpa)
justin hasenhuetl, interior offensive lineman (3.75 gpa)
jacob de jesus, wide receiver/kick returner (3.67 gpa)
caleb johnston, longsnapper (3.5 gpa)
simon mapa, tight end (3.47 gpa)
mason mini, tight end (3.8 gpa)
john gayer, edge defender (2.8 gpa)
jordon moko, offensive line (3.8 gpa)
jayden wayne, edge defender (4.0 gpa)
brook honoree jr, punter (3.8 gpa)
dominic ingrassia, quarterback (3.2 gpa)
jaron keawe sagapolutele, quarterback (3.75 gpa)
buom jock, inside linebacker (3.1 gpa)
leon bell, offensive tackle (3.1 gpa)
tristan dunn, safety (3.0 gpa)
lamar robinson, offensive guard (3.5 gpa)
tyson ruffins, interior offensive lineman (3.8 gpa)
lajuan owens, left tackle (3.2 gpa)
hezekiah masses, corner/nickel (2.7 gpa)
kyle cunanan, kicker (3.73 gpa)
tyson ford, defensive lineman (3.4 gpa)
odera okaka, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
john tofi jr, edge defender (3.8 gpa)
aiden manutai, safety (4.0 gpa)
tre' harrison, safety (4.83 gpa)
mike klisiewicz, offensive lineman (3.7 gpa)
jacob houseworth, tight end (3.15 gpa)
jae'on young, corner/nickel back (3.4 gpa)
lebron williams, defensive end (3.2 gpa)
beckham barney, inside linebacker (4.2 gpa)
anthony league, running back (3.9 gpa)
ikechukwu okafor, edge defender (3.7 gpa)
ben howard, offensive guard (3.2 gpa)
meyer swinney, hybrid wide receiver/tight end (3.75 gpa)
kaden cook, cornerback (3.4 gpa)

2024 class:

will mcdonald, left guard (3.5 gpa)
checkhsaliou fall, edge defender (3.3 gpa)
cj harris, quarterback (3.5 gpa)
serigne tounkara, edge defender (3.88 gpa)
kyion graves, wide receiver (3.3 gpa)
ryan yaites, safety (3.2 gpa)
jasiah wagoner, corner/nickel back (3.25 gpa)
tj bollers, edge defender (4.0 gpa)
corey dyches, hybrid tight end/wide receiver (3.1 gpa)
braden miller, offensive tackle (4.0 gpa)
liam johnson, inside linebacker (3.36 gpa at princeton)

khamani hudson, cornerback (3.5 gpa)
bobby engstler, punter/kicker (3.72 gpa)
jonathan "gameday" brady, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
mikey miller, wide receiver (3.8 gpa)
victor stoffel, offensive tackle (motivated student in sweden)
kadarius calloway, running back (2.7 gpa)
ryan coe, kicker (3.5 gpa)
tobias merriweather, wide receiver (3.6 gpa)
ja'ir smith, defensive back (3.0+ gpa)
syris corley, offensive lineman (3.0 gpa)
rush reimer, offensive lineman (3.3 gpa)
marcus harris, defensive back (3.2 gpa)
aidan ikaika keanaaina, defensive tackle (4.0 gpa)
aiden newbill, offensive line (3.72 gpa)
isaiah crosby, safety (3.0+ gpa)
luke ferrelli, inside linebacker (4.0 gpa)
chandler rogers, quarterback (3.3 gpa)
teddye buchanan, inside linebacker (3.5 gpa)
josiah martin, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
jack endries, tight end (3.83 gpa)
trond grizzell, wide receiver (3.8 gpa)
bj canady, defensive tackle (3.91 gpa)
legend journey, apex predator edge defender (3.3 gpa)
ej caminong, quarterback (3.5 gpa)
dayton "dayday" aupiu, defensive back (3.51 gpa)
jamaal wiley, running back (2.75 gpa)
trevor rogers, wide receiver (3.5 gpa)
michael-anthony okwura, defensive lineman (3.4 gpa)
eze osondu, inside linebacker (3.5 gpa)
brookyln cheek, defensive back (2.9 gpa)
camden jones, tight end (2.7 gpa)
tyler knape, offensive line (3.8 gpa)

2023 class:
barrett miller, offensive lineman (4.2 hs gpa & stanford mechancial engineering degree)
taj davis, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
king doerue, running back (3.5 gpa)
isaiah ifanse, running back (3.2 gpa at montana state)
marcus scott ii, cornerback (3.3 gpa at missouri)
tidiane "frenchy" jalloh (motivated student from france)
matthew wykoff, offensive tackle (3.75 gpa)
marquez "mojo" dortch, wide receiver (2.9 gpa)
ben finley, quarterback (4.308 gpa)
patrick mcmorris, safety (3.65 gpa)
david bird, longsnapper (4.0 gpa)
marquis montgomery, wide receiver (3.4 gpa)
martin tine, offensive tackle (2.9 gpa)
stanley mckenzie, nose tackle (3.3 gpa)

david reese, outside linebacker (3.7 gpa)
sam jackson v, quarterback (2.8 gpa)
brian hightower, wide receiver (3.2 gpa)
justin williams-thomas aka j-will, running back (4.0 gpa)
asher alberding, tight end (3.85 gpa)
jt byrne, tight end (3.75 gpa)
lachlan wilson, punter (strong student from australia)
byron caldwell, running back (3.3 gpa)
sergio allen, inside linebacker (3.4 gpa)
matt littlejohn, defensive back (3.0 gpa)
jaivian "the jet" thomas, running back (3.4 gpa)
nohl williams, defensive back (3.61 gpa)
kaylin moore, defensive back (3.4 gpa)
frederick williams iii, offensive line (3.6 gpa)
zurich ashford, defensive end (3.62 gpa)
ben marshall, tight end (3.4 gpa)
ryan mcculloch, outside linebacker (4.1 gpa)
tiumalu afalava, defensive line (4.1 gpa)
cade uluave, inside linebacker (3.85 gpa)
sailasa vadrawale, defensive back (3.46 gpa)
nyziah hunter, wide receiver (2.7 gpa)
nick morrow, offensive tackle (3.7 gpa)
michael luckhurst, kicker (4.37 gpa)



wow, that was quite the introduction, doechii, we're gonna have to talk after class...don't forget to take the chicken out

https://instagr.am/p/DAb8NtkBYtv
Shocky1
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OFFICIAL cal's monster class recruiting conversations with high gpa student athletes with NFL (wut up weber??) and/or PGA (come tele vous callixte??) upside:


^ carlie rocking dolce & gabbana, shocky knows his cbyf1 fashion **** (which don't change the fact that clothes r for losers)



cal is an unreal DREAM school (if ur willing to do the ******* hard work in the classrooms)#
Shocky1
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2027 high school recruiting update:


the staff is targeting +1 athletic hoops star/defensive end 6'5" 250 lbs xavier muhammad from south houston high school for an official visit to the left coast


xavier is NOT a ******* dumb azz, he got a 4.3 gpa!!

this is a courageous young man who is not candy azz soft & that is not afraid to battle thru life's adversity and is therefore receiving cal's monster class highly coveted official stamp of approval as a righteous recruitment, let's go xavier!!


xavier, luv u man (even tho we just met) but there's a reason that buc-ee & megan are heading to the perfect year round cali weather, south bend is freezing azz cold as **** for half a year & is a desolate midwest town (limited dogfood bull**** culinary options) with a lotta white people (and not a lotta diversity, if u see a poly or black they probably be on an irish sports team)...trust me ur mental health & ELITE academic ambition is best served in berkeley with NFL developmental coaching!!

yeah notre dame is a solid academic school but it's not even close to the worldwide ELITE level of berkeley, stanford & the ivy league if ur goal is building GENERATIONAL WEALTH thru hard work both on & off the field




the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university on planet earth
Shocky1
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sorry jaron but cal's monster class don't even think ur the #1 best prospect from the aloha state

but don't cry about it brah, shocky's fledgling (work in progress) ponytail game apparently gotta a long ways to go too, **** me

https://instagr.am/p/lIvvJILRKn


cal poly berkeley=the 9th island (with ibiza now on the clock)
Shocky1
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2026 joe's stone crab south beach tournament: 1st round update

https://instagr.am/p/C6ESCsCg-SU
max homa (70, tied for 16th): GREAT JOB in not self loathing today & audibly calling himself a worthless piece of ****!!...homa is controlling/flighting his shots thru windows, rolling in 101 feet of putts (2nd in the field) plus unreal SMOOTH power with the driver & had a relatively clean scorecard (other than a short iron pulled into the agua fria azul on the par 5 8th hole) with 4 birdies & got a scoreable early morning tee time tomorrow on the blue monster before the southern florida coastal winds accelerate in the afternoon...top 10 finish probably gets our cali bear into the 2026 pga championship at aronomink, let's ******* go, max!!

michael kim (74, tied for 52nd): shocky tole michael not to order the 30 day old deep fried barracuda at joe's stone crab (missing 10 greens in regulation didn't help either), ay caramba!!

collin morikawa (75, tied for 60th): yeah making only 35 feet in putts no es bueno (unless ur a one eyed pirate, ahoy mate!!) but the good news is that collin is moving well with no discernible back discomfort...manana es un nuevo dia amigo!!

2026 us open local qualifying: former bears michael weaver and finnigan tilly wuz in a 5 way tie for 1st place after shootings 5 under par 67s at kings cc in hanford & will be advancing to the 36 holes final qualifying (often called "the longest day in golf" because of its grueling nature) presumably at del paso in sacrmaneto on june 8th!!

moto's dad is a member at del paso & will hopefully invite both michael & finnigan out for a practice round or two and share both his & his son matthew's hole by hole course strategy knowledge which could be critically invaluable for advancing to the 2026 us open at one of the cathedrals of golf shinnecock hills (which is literally next door to my favorite course on planet earth the national golf links of america) in the hamptons

all 9 bears on the current roster will be teeing it up at another usga local qualifying event at home course stonebrae this monday may 4th, let's ******* go!!


https://www.golfdigest.com/story/thomas-friedman--one-of-the-world-s-authorities-on-the-middle-ea
philbert
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Shocky1
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mind boggling insanity: why the **** does long time cal's monster class reader marshawn lynch know that berkeley is "arguably the number one public university in the WORLD" while our football head coach don't know this simple fun fact??


yeah in case you haven't figured it out yet coach lup is a stubborn/obstinate dumb azz (plus he got a 3 stooges trim) that is intentionally tryna to minimize berkeley's ELITE academic global reputation (for reasons that are truly incomprehensible)!!

https://instagr.am/p/DPYkpzrDvuI
this is ******* cal football (sigh)#

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in contra costa county (or whatever)!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shocky1
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https://instagr.am/p/DXxD67gAYJ4
fun fact: running back ashten emory playlist1 is by a cbyf1!!



hopefully outside linebacker emmanuel okoye is gonna be able to play his favorite song after the uc championship game on saturday september 5th, do u got ur tix(s)??



https://instagr.am/p/DXp3UkED-mZ
Shocky1
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https://instagr.am/p/DVjxKVOEqt6
cal's monster class OFFICIAL current hypesong1 for golf/football gamedays!!



and if we need a nostalgic tear jerker re: our love letter to the magic of cal basketball from back in the day (and the smiles we left behind) this **** works too (what's too painful to remember we simply choose to forget)

Shocky1
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2026 mila south beach tournament: 2nd round update

https://instagr.am/p/DWHu9fbjgjY
^ last time at mila the shockster asked the flame dancer between her hourly performances if this **** is actually dangerous, the cbyf1 tole me with a smile that her contract with the restaurant requires that a credentialed emt/fire fighter be in the wings at all times, ruh roh!!

max homa (72, tied for 31st): the key to homa's game is driving the ball well & today he wuz 2nd in the field in strokes gained off the tee!!...in case you haven't figured it out yet great things are just around the corner for max...grown up dodger moment for our cali bear when he almost went full sergio on the tee markers on the par 3 9th hole after rinsing his tee ball but he pulled up short with a check swing & stoically played on kinda like kirk gibson (and not a spoiled azz bratty 12 year old rich girl from encino)

michael kim (71, tied for 49th): breaking par is no joke at the blue monster!!


collin morikawa (72, tied for 63rd): the biggest improvement in collin's game since berkeley is in his short game, the ability to read different lies & adaptively/creatively use speed to successfully scramble around the greens

https://instagr.am/p/DK5MGHsOurw
^ fun fact: japanese waygu a5 (not to be confused with the inferior american waygu a5) along with king island australian free range waygu is the most tasty beef on planet earth, that's the schulzy's go to dish self cooked on a sizzling hot lava rock at nobu malibu
Shocky1
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2027 high school quarterback recruiting update:


CONGRATS to dane on the elite 11 invitation & opportunity to compete with the top high school quarterbacks in the united states of america (including ibiza)!!


weber has been the qb1 on the rolo & jordan big board for a while which wuz a factor in the very talented sione tu'amoheloa-kaho committing to stanford as wuz the fact his uncle is the stanford head coach tavita pritchard

yeah the bears staff is ALL IN with 3.8 gpa (any cal recruiting update that does not include a gpa is worthless as ****) dane weber!!


the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (ucla is a solid choice for those denied admission to berkeley, stanford & the ivy league)
^ fun fact: the university of cincinnati does a great job of preparing its low gpa ballers for becoming nite shift supervisors at a midwest white castle serving stoners & then cleaning the restrooms at 1:30 am for 20 bucks an hour at age 30, go bearkats!!
Shocky1
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Shocky1 said:

2027 high school recruiting update:


the staff is targeting 6'4" 280 lbs reported 4.78 SPEED defensive lineman sam lejuene from poplarville high school in mississippi (south of hattiesburg)...fun fact: lejuene blocked an unreal 5 field goals last season!!


sam is NOT a dumb azz, he got a 3.4 gpa



the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (ucla is a solid back up choice for those denied admission to berkeley, stanford & the ivy league)

UPDATE: after reading this post, sam has scheduled an official trip to berkeley for june 4-7th!!

Shocky1
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https://instagr.am/p/DXw82kCjce4
Jay and Jenny **** Up Notes:

Hello Berkeley Bears Fans!!

As non Berkeley grads who really don't give 2 ***** re: the revenue sports, it's amazing the UPWARD trajectory of the football program now that we've been asked to not have anything to do with the program!!

So let's break down April for you, ok??

Softball is now 13-37 and 3-19 in the ACC after tonite's walk off loss at Pittsburgh.

Baseball is now 23-22 and an abysmal 7-15 in the ACC after tonite's 9-1 loss at home to Virginia Tech, ouch.

Shocky is probably right tho, Evans Diamond and Edwards Field should be repurposed for the greater good of the University with the baseball and both men's & women's track and field/cross programs shuttered as part of rightsizing to ensure financial austerity and the necessary allocation of resources to the revenue programs.

And Beth Tafolla-Voetsch's Stawberry Creek Studios is going to retain lead worthless bureaucrat Jonathan Okanes to ensure cronyisim without accountability is going to continue to rule the day in the Cal Athletic Department.
https://x.com/CalBearBlog

By not terminating the lazy azz Okanes and instead asking him to build a winning team of young creative Berkeley grads that can engage via authentic storytelling new fans particularly students in today's 6 second market economy we've assured that Haas Pavillion will once again be damn near EMPTY with no ENERGY during this winter's Men's and Women's hoop home games!!

But no worries life is good, we're both making just south of $500,000 as co athletic director ****tards (in addition to the annual $1,200,000 "retirement" package to General Knowlton)!!

Go Berkeley Bears!!!!!!!!!!!

Jay and Jenny
Shocky1
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2026 cipriani south beach tournament: 3rd round update

https://instagr.am/p/DFseN5zt6sM
michael kim (65,11th): rolling in a MONSTER 40 foot eagle putt on the par 5 1st hole wuz the beginning of an EPIC low round en route to draining an unreal 153 feet of putts at the blue monster!!...z & his teammates need to note that michael only hit 11 of 18 greens in regulation, golf like life is not a game of perfect (it's all about adaptively managing what's in front of you with a positive mindset)

fun fact: michael padded his berkeley gpa by taking an intro class to learning the korean language even tho he wuz already fluent!!...maybe coach lup could take a geography class (and learn to differentiate between the usa & the WORLD) or something


max homa (72, tied for 32nd): really mentally tough ******* finish with a birdie 2 to a deep right dangerous pin position on the par 3 15th hole, holing a bunker shot for an eagle 2 on the short dogleg left par 4 16th hole & then draining a critical 20 footer from the fringe for par on the iconic par 4 18th hole!!...homa can still earn an invitation to the 2026 pga championship with a mentally tough kirk gibson mindset manana (kinda funny that max & his scottsdale neighbor jj spaun both showed up on the 1st tee in matchy matchy pink shirts with white pants/hats/shoes, so cute)!!

collin morikawa (70, tied for 52nd): solid rolling the rock today with 74 feet in made putts but has now played the brutal par 4 17th & 18th holes in 6 over par which is keeping him off the leaderboard, finishing strong tomorrow needs to be a point of emphasis for the haas biz ad grad

yeah michael you've truly earned a FREE classic spaghetti dish at cipriani in brickell & this song (**** green jackets & tractor trophies), CONGRATS!!

https://instagr.am/p/DNNODbyNxym

^ michael, it's not my ******* fault that this guy had a couple glasses of soju before belting out this banger

monster, is that the only song u know??#
Shocky1
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2027 high school recruiting update:


the staff is prioritizing physical motor 6'2" 225 lbs inside linebacker fui vakapuna from timpview high school in draper utah, fui & his good looking family will be officially tripping to berkeley on june 15th-18th


fui is not a dumb azz, he knows that polys thrive in the ideal year round cali weather in an inclusive family culture!!


cal poly-berkeley=the 9th island

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: this is the 9th consecutive post by shocky, he cannot post again unless there is monster reader posts/engagement per the rules of the bearinsider.com
sonofabear51
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What are the chances Jay & Jenny leave in a couple months?
Shocky1
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51, according to multiple trusted/respected sources, the contracts for jay & jenny will NOT be renewed effective july 1, 2026
Shocky1
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cal's MONSTER class superheroes updates:

https://instagr.am/p/DXpWYoIEib6
^ not surprisingly the shockster's favorite version is that cbyf1 silk!!!!!!

https://instagr.am/p/DX29ZC3lC86
my yoga brah jaylen brown doing jb things


charles davis iii doing spida man things


^ travel tips: gunna is teeing it up in malaga (a decaying urban city), a much better destination for golf (valderrama, las brisas & sotogrande) & great dining (nobu, kava, casa eladio) is the hour drive to spain's fantastic sun drenched coastal town of marbella which got hourly ferry rides to casablanca (arguably the greatest cinematic movie of all time despite rick losing the love of his life that cbyf1 isla in the final scene which wuz actually filmed at the burbank airport, right hollywood??)/northern africa and mucho bonita senoritas con pelo negro y ponytails!!
Shocky1
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2026 miami f1 grand prix tournament: 4th round update


^ shocky would be either the best or the worstest cameraman of all time depending upon ur point of view (but either way would probably not pass the 30 day probationary period)

michael kim (71, tied for 18th): despite crooked azz driving missing 9 fairways (which wuz exacerbated by the lift & clean in the fairways ruling for today) outta 14 fairways, michael is literally putting/scrambling (an unreal 10 outta 13 sand saves for the week) as well as anybody on planet earth!!


according to monsterloseurazz.com kim got 6.29% odds to win at quail hollow (arguably the purest greens on the pga tour) and/or the 2026 pga championship at aronomink the following week, let's go michael!!


max homa (70, tied for 37th): max hit the shot of the tournament on the par 4 16th hole slamming a driver 325 yards to 6 feet & then draining the eagle putt!!

homa got another sponsor's exemption to next week at quail hollow where he vanquished rory for the championship not too long ago...max got good feels & a lotta crowd support in charlotte plus both he & michael can eat half of their meals together at chipotle!!

collin morikawa (72, tied for 62nd): morikawa's final hole today summarized the week: hit a laser 215 yards to 5 feet & then misread the break on the putt...collin finished 71st outta 72 players in putting for the tournament, his problem is his ongoing inability to read greens & his stubbornness in not bringing in trusted caddie mark urbanek for more reads (which wuz also a problem in not getting a 2nd opinion from jj back in the day)

collin plays his best golf (winning trophies & ****) on either courses with relatively flat greens (such as harding park, royal st georges & nicklaus designed courses) or courses he's played a lot & historically knows the breaks (pebble beach & augusta national) where his impotent greens reading is not a ******* liability

with on & off course earnings creeping up on $100,000,000 morikawa got the financial resources to visit/scout (start familiarizing oneself with the architectural quirks & devising a gameplan) the major venues in advance kinda like jack & tiger back in the day & rory right now whose copying their blueprint to winning majors...collin has never played the cathedrals of golf aronomink & shinnecock hills (which got asymmetrical internal greens contouring just like oakmont which wuz a putting ****show for morikawa at the 2025 us open) but to his credit he did play royal birkdale with his agent a couple of years ago

it's captain insano mind boggling that a smart as **** haas biz ad grad thinks he's gonna show up the week of the 2026 pga championship & us open and figure out the wildly complex greens in a couple of practice rounds...yeah **** around on the greens with misreads and find out

honestly collin (and michael) should try to be more like his brah shocky and get a yoga/meditation practice for his back issues too

https://instagr.am/p/C9Vb3OvpIvy
real talk: just because u got a high gpa don't mean ur SMART!!
^ just another wise as **** fortune cookie insert by the monster as one of his side hustles to take care of unpaid bills (r u paying attention miles??)

UPDATE: morikawa has WITHDRAWN from the quail hollow tournament this week

GOOD LUCK tomorrow to the entire 9 man bears roster in us open local qualifying at home course stonebrae, there are 84 contestants for 5 spots to join tilly & weaver at del paso final qualifying to the 2026 us open at shinnecock hills!!
sonofabear51
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Now that is very good news!!
bencgilmore
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Shocky1 said:

cal's MONSTER class superheroes updates:

https://instagr.am/p/DXpWYoIEib6
^ not surprisingly the shockster's favorite version is that cbyf1 silk!!!!!!

https://instagr.am/p/DX29ZC3lC86
my yoga brah jaylen brown doing jb things


charles davis iii doing spida man things


^ travel tips: gunna is teeing it up in malaga (a decaying urban city), a much better destination for golf (valderrama, las brisas & sotogrande) & great dining (nobu, kava, casa eladio) is the hour drive to spain's fantastic sun drenched coastal town of marbella which got hourly ferry rides to casablanca (arguably the greatest cinematic movie of all time despite rick losing the love of his life that cbyf1 isla in the final scene which wuz actually filmed at the burbank airport, right hollywood??)/northern africa and mucho bonita senoritas con pelo negro y ponytails!!


better find a way to keep charles, ucla gotta lot of momentum...
Shocky1
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cal's monster class MARKETING of cal hoops:

back in the day the monster promised the first 10,000 fans thru the doors FREE promotional bobbleheads of my brah walk on cole welle with a curvy brunette female wearing a fuchsia bikini

anyways there's almost 11,000 fans at the game & while making the rounds during half time the shockster got pulled aside by the ticket manager who tole me that a couple a dozen fans when entering haas asked the bewildered ushers where wuz their FREE bobbleheads??

ruh roh (sorry cole)

moral of the story: cbyf1s r the move/fall in love for romantic not practical considerations (fafo)!!


^ if they don't wanna hold hands, run for the ******* hills & don't evah look back!!
Shocky1
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2026 us open local qualifying: update

https://instagr.am/p/DX8GlYBlNRE
KABBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CONGRATS to my brah sophmore ziqin zhou on shooting a 7 birdie/1 bogey near flawless 66 to win today's medalist honors at the usga 2026 us open local qualifying at stonebrae!!

fun fact: z is a mama's boy like shocky, we wuz both raised by a tiger moms (my berkeley grad moms grew up poor as **** in a small space on the 2nd floor above a laundary mat in san francisco) who tole us we could do anything in life we set our minds too (and we believed moms)!!

https://instagr.am/p/C9A9wGORVO0
ziqin zhou (66, 1st PLACE): the reigning acc champion is playing as well as any amateur on planet earth!!
trevor cox (70, tied for 7th): birdied 5 of the last 8 holes like a boss man!!
charlie berridge (71, tied for 16th): the early leader at 4 under par, the smartest bear of them all!!
https://instagr.am/p/DX7ibUdy9lf
^ unlike the academically failing men's hoops program, gpas & degrees matter in the men's golf program
daniel heo (71, tied for 16th): the quiet senior broke par in a usga event!!
xihuan chang (71, tied for 16th): a double bogey on the par 4 16th hole kinda messed things up, keep working brah!!
sihao cong (72, tied for 25th): sihao got a lotta positive energy & good hair!!
matthew miyamoto (72, tied for 25th): the best lefty golfer in berkeley!!
eddie zhang (73, tied for 32nd): don't **** with bellarmine!!
charlie bundy (73, tied for 32nd): my fellow haas biz ad guy is a future bro of wall street!!

so what's next??



z along with former bears michael weaver (haas biz ad grad) & finnigan tilly will be advancing to final qualifying for the 2026 us open at del paso in sacramento on june 8th...as the above you tube flyover shows del paso (a demanding test tipping out at 7075 yards, par 71 with a 74.4 course rating & 138 slope) gotta lotta angular doglegs that will require thoughtful disciplined shotmaking...hopefully moto & his dad (members at del paso) will host our 3 final qualifiers for a practice round or two and then sit down with them & go thru each hole's strategies based upon their hundreds of rounds...and the caddie loops also need to be figured out, walking 36 holes on "golf's longest day" is gonna require a wingman that can assist both with course knowledge & staying mentally focused yet relaxed too

those advancing outta final qualifying will join collin morikawa (already got an invitation) & michael kim (currently ranked #41 in the official world golf rankings, top 60 receive invitations to the us open) at the 2026 us open at shinnecock hills in the hamptons which is in schulzy's personal top 10 (my favorite course on planet earth is the neighboring national golf links of america)...it is expected max homa will compete at a final qualifying site to be determined by his pga tour schedule that week



yeah them cali bears (with the required discipline/time management to balance championship golf with a generational wealth building degree) are off to the races on the game's largest stages at the cathedrals of golf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

https://instagr.am/p/DPRyppSCcM2


the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in todo el mundo (right callixte??...merci beaucoup joel!!)
Shocky1
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2027 high school recruiting update:

4.0 gpa brody fully comprehends that shoes r for losers!!

u evah see anybody at nooner modern yoga today or them rescue doggy dogs with shoes??

**** no!!

the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university in the world (including folsom & del paso cc)
Shocky1
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Shocky1 said:

the usa team was victorious last week at the president's cup in charlotte north carolina with key contributions by americans max homa & colin morikawa, the following is a loosely edited transcript of my conversations at around 6:30 pm in the locker room at quail hollow back in the day after my world rankings golf course evaluation which was arranged by fellow g2c2 (global golf centurion club, membership rules require the completion of at least 1 world top 100 golf magazine list, the shockster has played the last 17 world lists) member adam (who is a golf professional)

shocky: (standing at the sink trying to scrub the bunker sand outta his eyes from the 18th hole)

random dude: you ok?

shocky: your club's sand is terrific, same bright white silicone stuff as augusta, but it's a pain in the azz when it gets in your eyes, everything is kinda blurry or something

random dude: (who is tying a light blue tie with a glistening white starched shirt) sorry to hear that, are you the rater that's visiting today to see if we're a world top 100 golf course?...are we that good?

shocky: yeah, that's me, fun day today, your definitely a usa top 100 golf course...ima shocky (extending a fist bump)

random dude: nice to meet you, i'm roy...so how do you rate these world top 100 golf courses?...at my old job i used to get invited out to prairie dunes all the time

shocky: prairie dunes is an amazing links golfing experience, easily the best course in kansas and in my world top 25 rankings...hey, do you wanna join me and adam for a quick drink?

random dude: would love to talk about golf course architecture with you guys, that's my new hobby, but i got to go this work function at 7:00 pm

shocky: (thinking it's some boring azz corporate function with rubber chicken) can't you just show up late?

random dude: not really, i'm sort of the featured speaker

shocky: (feeling sorry for this guy) well, good luck then, at least you got to play golf this afternoon

random dude: yeah work is work, please tell adam to shoot me a text regarding when he can give me another lesson, thanks

adam: (as shocks walks over to him in the locker room) do you know who just insulted with your work thing stuff?

shocky: i dunno, somebody who wants a lesson with you?

adam: (shaking his head & laughing) guess what dumb azz, that's roy williams

shocky: (hustling back to the sink area) hey roy, didn't mean to hassle you

roy: (kinda laughing) that's ok, you would be a tenacious assistant coach with that attitude

shocky: well, now that you mention it, i'm the director of recruiting for the cal basketball program and the co author of cal's monster class with its several million views which is the most read thread in the history of college basketball...did you know we are currently in major battles with you for three mcdonald all americans?

roy: (with a kinda smirk and perhaps a glimpse of recognition) really, and what three prospects are you referring to?

shocky: ivan rabb, jaylen brown and caleb swanigan...i've branded these recruitments as cal's diamonds are forever class.. do you know anything about these guys or do you just delegate recruiting to your assistant coaches?

roy: (tight smile but perhaps with a bit of annoyance) do you got a minute or two?

shocky: sure

roy: ok, walk with me to valet then, i gotta speak across town in thirty minutes, this is just between us, ok?

and then as we walk thru the clubhouse to the valet area by the front door roy williams lectures me for 5 minutes non stop breaking down the skillsets of ivan rabb, jaylen brown and caleb swanigan

his detailed knowledge is mind boggling, he tells me that ivan rabb aka young ivee (at that moment the #1 ranked player in the nation) is the most innate rebounder he's seen in years and very unselfish with the ball but that he's concerned about his unusual gait (note: ivan retired from the nba because of plantar fasciitis)...jaylen brown (ranked #5 in the class) is a future nba all star but will struggle in college with sharing the ball & 3 point shooting...caleb swanigan (ranked #12 in the class) could be a nba first rounder if he can successfully core out his body, his guardian roosevelt barnes is very involved in his recruitment (caleb, rip, was a cal silent commit but barnes refused to sign the letter of intent which resulted in him signing with purdue)

finally william's silver lexus suv shows up at the valet circle and roy looks me in the eyes & tells me with a little wink "nice meeting you, shocky, good luck in out recruiting me"

shocky is not a dumb azz, he knows what just happened...unlike the current cal basketball coach, roy williams is the featured speaker at dozens of fans/donor events throughout north carolina every year & its kinda hard to come up with fresh new intro speeches, he can't wait to get to his dinner in 30 minutes and tell everybody how he just met this crazy as **** berkeley guy who thinks they are going to out recruit the fabled north carolina program that's won multiple national championships, the crowd is gonna love it & howl with laughter

well guess what?...the shockster got commitment from all 3 of these mcdonald all americans & signed 2 of them

it's seem almost surreal that 6 years ago cal was near the pinnacle of college basketball in excitement & recruiting, what the **** happened?





the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked university in the world (including north carolina & more specifically chapel hill)


^ homa's sunday shirt with the weird azz pocket might be arguably the most ugly ******* fashion choice in the history of the game!!

GOOD LUCK this week at quail hollow to max & michael while collin is home on baby watch!!

2026 pga championship field update: collin & michael got invitations to aronomink while max is the 1st altenate, we only need one of the 156 players currently in the field to get std, back, travel, criminal, etc issues to withdraw and then homa will be in the 2nd major of 2026
Shocky1
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https://instagr.am/p/DX95fpiCT20
phony phil is gonna take a ******* hike & our cali bear max is now gonna parachute in for the 2026 pga championship!!



it's a great day to be a bear!!#

https://instagr.am/p/DX-rBh7skhX
Shocky1
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https://instagr.am/p/DUezLdgjRnF
look, u might think that's funny but how would u feel if shocky stroked the **** out this afternoon at his new barre practice class at modern yoga (monsterloseurazz.com is setting the odds of this occurring at 2.89%)??

yeah cal monster's class only real goal these days is to get coach lup to refer to berkeley as the #1 ranked public university in the ******* WORLD!!

yeah like that **** is gonna happen *big boys don't paint their toenails blue

**** me

https://instagr.am/p/DX-b4IhjOIt
the university of california, berkeley=the #1 ranked public university in contra costa county (or whatever)

Shocky1
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spoiler alert: +1 athletic high motor 3.75 gpa rebecca g from inglewood high school (until she finished with home schooling due to mean girl bullying by jealous losers)!!

https://instagr.am/p/DXzggDpREwF
^ can u spot the hair extensions??...fun fact: becky is not using maybelline in real life

yeah the cal football program just got better with un senorita bonita con pelo negro y un ponytail!!

based upon this ELITE commitment, the bears according to monsterloseurazz.com are now only 19.5 dogs in the uc championship game on saturday september 5th, do u got ur tix(s)??

berkeley=numero uno universite en todo el mundo (not that coach lup would know this ****)
Shocky1
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2027 high school recruiting update:


home visit recap: when joshua told the bears coaches that he's not really 6'6" 330 lbs my fellow poly potty mouth coach famika tole him "that's ******* bull**** brah" while my fellow haas biz ad grad/future head coach in training mike saffell wuz well prepared with a 17 minute high tech video presentation re: the berkeley tuesday nite coed flag football league!!

https://instagr.am/p/C0QeMh6Jo54
this is cal football (sigh)#
Shocky1
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Shocky1 said:

Shocky1 said:

Shocky1 said:

2027 high school football recruiting update:


3.2 gpa 6'1" 170 lbs corner/nickel from serra high school in so cal duvay williams is a key target for the staff, gotta keep the ELITE good gpa local talent in cali!!


the university of california, berkeley=#1 ranked public university on planet earth (and an hour flite on southwest to memorial stadium on fall gamedays for the fam & friends)

update: duvay is tripping to berkeley this weekend!!

2027 high school recruiting update:



KAAAABBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

let's ******* do this duvay, whooo hooo!!

https://instagr.am/p/DXmor9mCNZk
massive ELITE commitment from a nationally recruited prospect with NFL upside & a solid 3.2 gpa!!


in case you haven't figured it out yet the spida man is helping recruit superheroes and building something special in berkeley!!

https://instagr.am/p/DGT_LsfPdBV
administrative note: 9th post by the monster, u know the story
DaveK180
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Tell the whole damn world more Bear Insider glory!
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